THE LOVE OF MY LIFE

It sounds strange that I'm afraid of my mom but, my mom can be scary. She has extreme mood swings, and even to this day I don't know how to deal with her because she called me hateful words. I try so hard to deal with it but, I can't try anymore to be a good daughter; it comes back to haunt me because whatever I confide in my mother is brought against me in fights as harsh insults.

I can't have a reasonable discussion with her if we disagree; she gets worked up and angry, will accuse me of '' being disrespectful''. I don't talk to my mom/family anymore. I say yes, and it's like that every time. I used to be worse at dealing with it; basically unable to act because I'd be paralyzed with fear and that any minute my mom would come upstairs and start getting angry at me. She has only admitted once that our family is messed up, most of the time if I brought it up she denies it.

This hasn't helped me to be confident; When I say there's a problem in the family, or if I argue against her, she will call me disrespectful, but other people believe in me and that's what keeps me going, because otherwise I wouldn't know how to do anything, which is sad.

As a teenager, she would tell me during family arguments that I'm a witch and that I want to kill her. It is so stressful as a teen actually believing that I'd be responsible for her death, and I've gotten yelled at for everything we got into a major fight, and she got extremely angry she kept getting worse and insulted me, my intelligence, my ability to communicate, and she said '' I will always be useless and that I will never become anything good in life''.

I don't know how families should be; even to this day though I can't take fighting, I freeze up and if it's too close to me I get a panic attack. Even thinking about fights makes me dizzy. I was so afraid of my mom that everything I did was done secretly. I got secretly engaged at the age of 18 my and I met by complete accident. My outlook on relationships was simple: men were pigs/ cows. I had been in several relationships that were toxic—damaging to my self-esteem and to my understanding of love. I was beginning to see love as a joke to make sense of the human instinct to control and manipulate each other, but I was having some difficulties with my adopted mom.

Christopher's ( My 24 years old) friend introduced him to me when I was 18 he had the most amazing green eyes ever; he called that night, and asked me out on a date. One date became two, then we began to realize something serious was happening. He was different from anyone I had ever met, He was magical I made him smoke a lot of cigarettes those first few months of dating because, that was his thing. I knew he was a good thing for me, but I ’t realize how much I knew it until, I mean he was perfect from anyone I had ever known. He encouraged me to take care of myself and not destroy myself, and ’t accept my feeble attempts to hide behind masks. I think I fell in love the moment he heard my story, discovered my emotional scars, I later referred to him as the one who saved me, because he pulled me out of my self-destructive habits, and made me look at myself in the mirror which, honestly; he made me feel so special.

From the day we met, it was barely a year later when he asked me to be his wife. Our relationship had the expected ups and downs (as any relationship should)we grew apart for awhile, fight, became immature and selfish, but we always found ourselves back together, embracing, and moving as one. I have come to understand the meaning of love as it was meant to be. After our one year anniversary everything changed because, he wanted kids and being a mother was the last thing on my mind and mostly because I wanted to prove to my mom that peer pressure didn't move me and because I had to move to a new state, and because of that I wasn't ready to be responsible for Christopher not having the life he always dreamed of, so we broke up and I met another guy, and although I loved him too no other guy have ever made me feel the way I felt when I was with Christopher, and I regret everyday of my life for not being with him, but no matter where I go he will always be the love of my life.

Written by Stacy- Ann

Two Side

So many give in
So they end up stumbling
And although life is hard
I possess so much pride,
Like a lion in his jungle.

My pockets don't jingle
But I’m rich
Cause with so many characters
I ought to mingle

As my two souls fight inside
I’m trying to keep my dream alive
To stay focused on what precise
And discard the evil side

Conditions do change
I’m writing my life on every blank page
So think positive and grounded you'll stay
Some roads are rough
But there's always a better way

Life is wonderful, life is beautiful
What you sow you reap,
Now that is truth
So plant good seeds
And reap good fruits.

Mom

Okay, so this is actually a song I wrote for a very special and phenomenal lady ( My Mom)

From the time I was young, I realized I had someone, you
who always cared for me, who always protected me

Mom, I love you,
you are so wonderful, so gentle, yet so strong.
The many ways you show you care, always make me feel I belong

You are so patient even when I’m foolish, how did you find the energy to d

o all the things you did for me. I can't comprehend the love I have for you, but I love you more than you'll ever know,

cause you let me know you love me

in so many different ways, you make me feel so important

with encouragement and praise. You are always there when I need you, it shows that I’m always in your thoughts.

I learned about love from you watching your caring ways

I learned about joy from you

I learned how to forgive

I learned what I know about living from you,

and I’m so grateful for all the times you healed my hurts.

S.A.M.M ♥ ♥ ♥

Written by: Stacy 

JUSTICE!!!

Hi, this is the first time I've ever considered thinking about my past.  I am a 20 years old girl, and my childhood life was miserable. But when did all this pain started? When my life did becomes the saddest life a person ever can have?  I'll tell you how it all started.

As a child I went through a lot of things, if you ever heard of me, you would had known me as the Fun, Nice, Innocent next door girl; the girl who had many friends and seems perfect. Did you ever truly know me though? Did I really seem perfect? I was known as a smart and kind girl, but the years that changed me was the year that my parents separated, and I remembered it like it was yesterday. When my mom and dad separated, I was sent to live with my aunt - my mom's sister and I was still a little girl at that time, I was like 2-3 years old. My aunt never had any kid, so she was very happy when they sent me to live with her, and since I was still a child I never really knew what was going on 'cause no one bothered to explain to me, but deep down I felt like my parents never wanted me or loved me. My aunt did everything she could to pleased me, but there's nothing she could do to make me happy.

After 2 years, I started calling her 'Mom' because. she was more than an aunt to me She was the mother I wished I had, my aunt wanted me to get  a better education, so she found a school for me, and we both went to the school and she registered me. I was very excited to start going to school and making new friends, but it was harder than I thought it was going to be. My first day in school, the kids made fun of me mostly because I was different, I was very light and had very long hair, during lunch time at school, I used to tried sitting with some of the kids but they'll tell me to get away from them. I used to go home everyday crying, when my mom (aunt) noticed it, she decided to start home schooling me herself. Everything was going  perfectly until my mom got very ill, it was just the two of us and I was 8 years old now, it was a  complete nightmare for me, because I was now alone and I had no one to turn to for help because my only mother in the whole wide world was ill, but luckily for me a lady in the neighborhood use to cook food and bring it for me, but it was not really a luck because the lady poisoned the food, not knowing it, I ate the food, few days passed, I became very ill and I mean very ill, but at that time my mom was much better now.

Unfortunately, the people in the neighborhood blamed my mom for my illness, they called the poor and Innocent woman a witch, but she wasn't a witch she was the only mother I had and when my uncle - father's brother heard that I was sick, he came and told my mom that he wanted me to go and live with him and his wife, but my mom said ''no'' she told my uncle that I was her only daughter and that she wasn't going to let me go, so he decided for them to ask me who I wanted to stay with and of course he knew that I was going to choose my mom, so he said that there was no point in asking me, that's how he went in the house and collected my belongings and we drove away, I never got to say good-bye to my momt and she was crying as we drove away  and that was the last time I saw my mom.

When we got to my uncle's house, his wife welcomed me and took my things in their guest room, but I must admit he had a very beautiful house it had everything you could possibly imagine. My uncle was nice to me for only a week, and then suddenly everything changed, I was not allowed to touch anything in the house without his permission; I was not even allowed to go out; in fact, I was not allowed to do anything. During my childhood, it was a complete nightmare, all the things I used to enjoy doing was all taken away from me.

For months, the old man  mistreated me like I was not a human being. Then finally in 2001 when I was 10-11years old, my uncle sent me to my real mom and it never took too long my mom and dad sent me, my oldest sister and another family members to Ghana and we were greeted by some family, and when the lady saw me she said that she wanted to adopt me, I was very happy when she said that, because I felt that God truly loves me, after all the things I've been through, he finally sent an angel from above to be my mom so I moved in with them and things was going perfectly well, and then when I was 13 in 2004 we moved to Norway. I was enjoying my new life now, although, I was happy, deep down I was still sad, because few years passed I heard no news of my real family. Things got even worse, some times at nights when I think that I'm running out of hopes, I cried and cried till I fall asleep, then suddenly everything changed to worst, I was being molested by my heartless cousin constantly, at the tender age of 13 and this continued for months, he told me if I ever told anyone, no one would believe me. He would come into our room and start fingering me even though he knew that I was not asleep.  Though I was far away from my biological parents, we communicate through phones; my dad was the only person I could talk to freely without being afraid because he showed me that he cared and loves me, so he was the first person I told  the day after my cousin fingered me,  and my dad told me to keep it to myself because no one in the family would believe me especially my aunt, and it was understandable enough because I always had that fear in me to open up to my aunt. Even when I was down, and needed someone to talk to, I tried showing some signs that something awful and unbearable was happening to me, but I was ignored.

Then a year or 2 passed and we moved to a new state and although I was not being molested, I was mentally destroyed. I had lots of flashbacks as to when I was younger, and it was very difficult for me to concentrate in school. I was taking advantage of and disrespected, but as a child I grew up lying, making up stories and convincing everyone that I was okay and everything is perfect, but that is fairly common among abused/molested children, but I want for my family to know that no matter how they try to destroy me, I will always have a smile on my face, because I know that everything they've done or are doing to me, one very beautiful day I will be the one smiling and jumping with joy.

And for those of you who would read my story, please, if you've gone, or are going through the same thing I went through, try contacting a psychologists to get some help, because this is a very serious situation. It happened to me twice after so many years of forgiving my cousin, this is why I said to myself ''people must get to know the truth'' and to be honest, I don't care how some people will look at me, because all I want is justice simple, this is something I've always been praying and hoping to get one day.

JUSTICE!!!

Story by: Stacy

Really now?

You think you're cool, right? 

I tell you this, one of three Americans die of cancer,
you know? Asshole. You're gonna be one of those.

I don't have the courage

to kick your ass directly.
Don't have enough courage for that,
I could, you know.

You know you're gonna have another accident?
You know I'm involved with black magic?
*uck you. Die. Bastard.
You think you're so cool, hm? Asshole.

And if I ever see your *ucking face around,
In Europe or Italy,
Well I'll -- That time I'm gonna kick your ass.
*uck you. *ucking Americans, Yankee.
You're gonna die outta cancer, I promise.

No one does what you did to me.
You wanna know something? *uck you.
I want your *alls smashed, eat *hit. Bastard.

I hope somebody in your family dies soon.

Dear reader,

No I do not think I'm "cool", I'm just Chance. One of One Americans die of old age, so what's your point? 

The End

I've tried writing this blog post now several times before, when the party is over and the liquor is no more, I'll tell you now that living has become somewhat of a chore, and following their rules is somewhat of a Godforsaken bore. I say God because I'm programmed but I believe in none, I've seen no interventions and I see no holy sons but if I'm wrong than strike me down and break these breathing lungs, just take these words, reverse them back upon my evil tongue, but fuck I've seen children harm each other like it's second nature and some just want to watch the world burn and bang upon the drums, chaos has a melody and death is like a song, that's why I'm hanging the noose, waiting for the end.

Don't

I don't ever want a God to hide behind the scars I leave
I only want the crucifix, moralistic bullshit weaved

in and out of cloudy pores, arteries that are not mine
A billion dollar enterprise. Jesus has a trademark sign.

I don't know anybody and I don't know what's mine.

I don't ever want a Girl to hide behind the mess I make
I only want to treat her right, even if it's worse that way

In and out of failed romance, these memories no longer mine
but somehow when she looks at me, I am still the past defined

I won't hurt anybody and I won't survive.

I don't ever want to do what I've done forever now
I don't ever want it new, I just want to have it raw.
I don't ever want to be the past-tense or the present flaw.
I don't ever want it new, I just want to have it raw.
Even if it's bound to break, and even if it's only words
I'll hold you as the whole world shakes, the two of us will become birds
and fly away to somewhere else, a universe that doesn't suck
and people care about you, too. But they still don't really give a fuck
about the petty and the broken, maybe they are cracking too
and if everybody's crazy then it's really nothing new

I don't know anybody and I don't know what's mine
I want to return to the flooding and drown in its time
When chance resembles birthday candles
Breathe them deep and let me go
It's really not what you can handle
It's just what you refuse to know

So I don't ever want an afterlife. I tire of the life I lead
I only want to become dirt, but I could settle as a tree
I don't ever want to be again, I can't just be as-is today
Without the worst in every person coming back into the shade

and I can't tell if I'm here with them or if they're here with me
but in the end it stays the same. The projection's all I see.
I don't know anybody and I don't know what's mine.
I don't ever want to see myself, I even run from my reflection
I gut myself internally through daily photographic sessions
To push myself off of a cliff, where south's the lone direction
I am the prize of a flu-like life. I'm a bacterial infection.

I don't ever want to view it as a pure, wasted potential
A harvest moon inside my belly glowing like a lightning-bug
Snuffing out the best of me but at least I have a stomach, full.
It's my own little hell and it's my least-favorite drug.

But I'm addicted to that unique brand of quiet
and I'm sick to the touch in the front lines of war
So she's afflicted when it's dark, she's an endless riot
I set myself on fire! It doesn't matter what it's for.

I don't ever want to make believe in the consequence of sin
I only want to free myself. I want to feel again!
And not just as a sputter, like a broken exhaust pipe
I want to travel on bare feet for the rest of my life
With one that I can call my own. I don't ever want to be alone
Consider it a win if the past has a unique tone.
Bouncing from the satellites to over privileged white kid's homes

Where food is choice and choice is moot
We settle on some sour fruit
and make the worst of passing time

By avoiding one another's eyes
We can successfully avoid ourselves.

The Broken Blues

I've got those Broken Blues,
It's a path that I choose,
Refuse to live a life less ordinary,
Even though it's a little more weight for me to carry,
I'm very ashamed,
Find a way to live in between reality and these dreams.

I write to the sounds of empty sidewalks,
Outline my wallet in chalk,
If a odometer could, I'd be shocked,
All the spots I've walked,
Movement is what Chris is all about,
I'll flat-line, before I can afford a flat-screen,
Don't have the cream to get the gleam of the spotlight,
Got me feeling blue like frostbite,
Nothing seems to cost right,
Give me a free meal and I'll clean up the plate,
A worthless poet,
Too good but yet nothing I inspired to be,
I don't care about a steady paycheck,
Just want to make something for auto-checks,
It makes sense but not dollars,
I'm just a guy whose not claiming to be a baller,
It's time to elevate,
I grow taller,
Like red woods, I hope what I say could,
Put your world, on a slide-stand,
Now that's a somebody who might take a Chance.
You can when you can that you think you can choose,
I don't pay bills, I pay dues,
I'm broke, just like a blown fuse.

I was living at a desk, every day in the same place,
Felt blue like a mood ring,
Yet I hate being routine,
I like to do what you dream,
and always got a new scheme to keeps things moving,
As for me,
I got what I always wanted,
and she's begging me to stay,
another day,
another light,
paying dues, what the hell do I have to do,
I try to be the best man that I can and handle my life,
If your going my way, there's no way back,
No matter the weather,
I won't stop to pay no never-minds.
Inspire me or get out my way,
Live as I choose these Broken Blues,
It's tiring, but I'm on my way,
what you don't need,
you won't lose,
I'm happy despite my dismay,
De-La says you don't need something you lose,
These are just the Broken Blues.

Epidemic

My friends, we have entered an epidemic. Your mind is in a state of confusion; blinded, by the glamorous, the goal, the fast-life.

 Children please hear me as I speak, I walk the same streets as you do and see your troubled faces; and your pain is clear.

I too have seen the black cloud which pain brings to your sky. I too have seen the world as my enemy, for myself is nothing, and the only role-models I had also lived under that same black sky as I did.

Seems I would never see my sun shine and a happy place is a million miles away.

Well I've seen some fair and two wrongs don't make a right.

The world is your Esther, which the only life you lead is the one you make for yourself.

Choose wisely, for you have to live with your decisions until you pass.

The path of self-discovery cannot begin with the first steps of another; this cannot continue.

As we gather at funerals to cry for our lost; celebrate life, and give comfort to those in mourning who questions still remain.

Will our prayers ever be answered?

Can we actually achieve change?

I stare in my sleep with wonder because I Chris pledge to give my life to this cause.

A cause which saves lives instead of taking them.

So stand with me, for the end must be now.

It's time to put the weapons down.