THE LOVE OF MY LIFE

It sounds strange that I'm afraid of my mom but, my mom can be scary. She has extreme mood swings, and even to this day I don't know how to deal with her because she called me hateful words. I try so hard to deal with it but, I can't try anymore to be a good daughter; it comes back to haunt me because whatever I confide in my mother is brought against me in fights as harsh insults.

I can't have a reasonable discussion with her if we disagree; she gets worked up and angry, will accuse me of '' being disrespectful''. I don't talk to my mom/family anymore. I say yes, and it's like that every time. I used to be worse at dealing with it; basically unable to act because I'd be paralyzed with fear and that any minute my mom would come upstairs and start getting angry at me. She has only admitted once that our family is messed up, most of the time if I brought it up she denies it.

This hasn't helped me to be confident; When I say there's a problem in the family, or if I argue against her, she will call me disrespectful, but other people believe in me and that's what keeps me going, because otherwise I wouldn't know how to do anything, which is sad.

As a teenager, she would tell me during family arguments that I'm a witch and that I want to kill her. It is so stressful as a teen actually believing that I'd be responsible for her death, and I've gotten yelled at for everything we got into a major fight, and she got extremely angry she kept getting worse and insulted me, my intelligence, my ability to communicate, and she said '' I will always be useless and that I will never become anything good in life''.

I don't know how families should be; even to this day though I can't take fighting, I freeze up and if it's too close to me I get a panic attack. Even thinking about fights makes me dizzy. I was so afraid of my mom that everything I did was done secretly. I got secretly engaged at the age of 18 my and I met by complete accident. My outlook on relationships was simple: men were pigs/ cows. I had been in several relationships that were toxic—damaging to my self-esteem and to my understanding of love. I was beginning to see love as a joke to make sense of the human instinct to control and manipulate each other, but I was having some difficulties with my adopted mom.

Christopher's ( My 24 years old) friend introduced him to me when I was 18 he had the most amazing green eyes ever; he called that night, and asked me out on a date. One date became two, then we began to realize something serious was happening. He was different from anyone I had ever met, He was magical I made him smoke a lot of cigarettes those first few months of dating because, that was his thing. I knew he was a good thing for me, but I ’t realize how much I knew it until, I mean he was perfect from anyone I had ever known. He encouraged me to take care of myself and not destroy myself, and ’t accept my feeble attempts to hide behind masks. I think I fell in love the moment he heard my story, discovered my emotional scars, I later referred to him as the one who saved me, because he pulled me out of my self-destructive habits, and made me look at myself in the mirror which, honestly; he made me feel so special.

From the day we met, it was barely a year later when he asked me to be his wife. Our relationship had the expected ups and downs (as any relationship should)we grew apart for awhile, fight, became immature and selfish, but we always found ourselves back together, embracing, and moving as one. I have come to understand the meaning of love as it was meant to be. After our one year anniversary everything changed because, he wanted kids and being a mother was the last thing on my mind and mostly because I wanted to prove to my mom that peer pressure didn't move me and because I had to move to a new state, and because of that I wasn't ready to be responsible for Christopher not having the life he always dreamed of, so we broke up and I met another guy, and although I loved him too no other guy have ever made me feel the way I felt when I was with Christopher, and I regret everyday of my life for not being with him, but no matter where I go he will always be the love of my life.

Written by Stacy- Ann

Two Side

So many give in
So they end up stumbling
And although life is hard
I possess so much pride,
Like a lion in his jungle.

My pockets don't jingle
But I’m rich
Cause with so many characters
I ought to mingle

As my two souls fight inside
I’m trying to keep my dream alive
To stay focused on what precise
And discard the evil side

Conditions do change
I’m writing my life on every blank page
So think positive and grounded you'll stay
Some roads are rough
But there's always a better way

Life is wonderful, life is beautiful
What you sow you reap,
Now that is truth
So plant good seeds
And reap good fruits.